


feels like you're running out of holy places

by Newt_salamander



Category: Spies Are Forever - Talkfine/Tin Can Brothers
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Vampire, F/F, Small Towns, This will have curtwen just wait
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:35:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26801521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Newt_salamander/pseuds/Newt_salamander
Summary: Barb wasn't the type of person who was late. She wasn't the type to yell at people. She certainly wasn't the type to believe in vampires, but one impromptu trip to Texas my change all of that.
Relationships: Barb Lavernor/Tatiana Slozhno, Owen Carvour/Agent Curt Mega
Kudos: 9





	1. I'm Having Bad Dreams

**Author's Note:**

> Wow! Me, attempting a multichapter? It's more likely than you think. Not inspired by Wayward Guide but might as well be cause it's so similar.
> 
> Chapter and work title are from New Invention by IDKHOW

Barb had missed her flight. No, she had missed her flight and then they _cancelled_ all flights going to Newark. Now, she was stuck in some stupid Texas city that she’d never even heard of for the night, and frankly, she wasn’t looking forward to it. _This_ is why she didn’t fly in the winter. Her inner monologue got more and more aggressive as she stomped on an airport shuttle and continued in her head until she had reached the rental station. The person working there looked so tired, this must have been a long shift for them. 

“If you’re here to pick up a car, I’ve got bad news.” They deadpan. 

She blanched. Right before she was about to inquire what the kid meant, they continued. 

“But since you’re just one person, you could rent a motorcycle. Do you know how to drive a motorcycle?”

Barb did not know how to ride a motorcycle. She shook her head, exhausted and a little shocked at how bad her luck was. 

“Well. I can’t just teach you. If you don’t have a license, I don’t think you can even ride them. We do have a bus.”

_Bump. Bump. Thunk. Bump._ Barb was very close to screaming. At who or what, she wasn’t sure. She whipped out her phone to see where the nearest B&B was, or maybe text Curt, tell him that she was going to be late to the conference. It was quite a rude awakening when she realized that there was no service nor internet. _Where in the hell_ was _she?_ She rose from her seat, going over to where the bus driver sat. 

“Excuse me sir! Can you tell me where in the fuck we are and when in the _fuck_ I could get off this bus!” She grits. 

“ ’Solutley ma'am. You're in Slawford. It's ay pretty awful small town. The biggest thing near it is the aerpawt ayn' the San Antonio city limits, but that there's nahwt faw another hundred miles. We do have an inn ov sawts, ay ken take ya there?”

It took her a few seconds to process what he said, his accent taking her by surprise. 

“You. You took me to a _town_ instead of the city limits of a city? A fucking _village?”_ A small part of her brain reminded her this was her fault too, she never really specified where she wanted to go. “Sir. Do I look like I’m from around here? I’m sure as hell not a tourist, and I would very much appreciate it if you could take some fucking cues!” The sight must have been intriguing to the two onlookers also in the bus. A five foot woman with a very squeaky voice cussing an innocent bus driver out. She hoped no one was recording this, she didn’t need to go viral right now. Not when the promotion she always wanted was right in her reach. She grabbed her duffle bag and stared the driver down one more time before demanding him to open the door and let her out. The man seemed to have no qualms letting the very rude woman off his bus, and wished her well.

For all her scientific awards, Barb can be quite dumb sometimes. This was one of those times. In her fit of rage, she got off a bus and is now standing in the middle of nowhere, the only markers she could use being the trees decorating the road. The road! She’ll just follow the road, and it would lead her to somewhere with a working phone! Or a map! Her discovery made her excitedly pump her fist in the air, and she started her journey. It wasn’t long before she saw an older man walking ahead, wearing a newsboy cap and some trousers that needed tailoring. She raced up to the man, eager to talk to another human when she wasn’t in a bad mood. 

“Sir! Sir!” She cried. He turned towards her.

“The sun or the moon?” He responded. Barb stopped in her tracks.

“What?”

“The sun or the moon. Choose.”

“T-the sun?” He nodded in some sort of understanding, and Barb’s temper started to rise again. She really didn’t need this right now.

“So you have chosen.”

She blinked and the man was gone. _What the fuck?_ Was she hallucinating? When was the last time she had water? 

It wan’t the time to dwell on odd visions, so Barb kept walking. Her legs were tired and her feet was sore, she’d been on and off them all day. While walking, she thought of the conference. She thought of the promotion. It was enough motivation for her to keep walking, and soon she saw a white steeple in the distance. _A church!_ Surely someone would be there! As she got closer, she took note of the church’s odd look. It was all white, and looked like one of those Old El Paso missions, save for the giant steeple on top. Any thoughts of the out of place steeple flew out of her mind when she came into the full view of the church. Two people shackled against the wall, a collar binding their necks to the surface behind them. On closer inspection, one of them was a pale woman with flaming red hair, and the other- well the other, she couldn’t quite tell. The other person was covered in blood head to toe, their intestines hanging out in a gruesome scene. Below them, in what was presumably the dead one’s blood, read a message, loud and clear.

_“Make them martyrs. Make them pay. None of their kind belong here. Killers.”_

Barb shivered. This was not the thing she’d have wanted to see this weekend, and she didn’t know what to do next. Well, maybe free the woman, who looked like she was hanging on- no pun intended. She ripped open her duffle bag and searched for something, anything, that would help this poor girl. Damnit, she left her pocket knife at home. Damn the TSA. Wait! Cynthia said she had hidden another knife that she could smuggle past security just in case. Thank god for Cynthia and her weird paranoia. She fumbled with the seams of the duffle before the found the opening hiding the knife. She tapped the lady she was about to cut down from a church facade, just so they could be acquainted before she does something she’ll probably regret. 

“Miss. Are you ok?”

The redhead opened her eyes and looked down at the tiny blonde with the giant glasses at her feet.

“Who are you?” She asked in a very thick Russian accent. Russians in Texas. Well, that’s a new one. 

“I’m Barb Larvernor, I work for the United States government, but that’s neither here nor there because this is not government related. I actually don’t know why I brought up the government thing, maybe I’m just used to introducing myself? Or maybe I’m desperate for approval and need people to thing highly of me and a government job is ver-“ Barb’s rambling gets cut off by the Russian woman still shackled onto a wall.

“Barb, was it?”

“Yes!”

“It is lovely to meet you, but can we have formal introductions at a later date? I have been up here for a very long time, and you have a knife.”

Her speaking suddenly made Barb very uncomfortable. Her canines were much too big for a small mouth like hers, and she was pale in the evening light. Barb shook the feeling off and took about 20 minutes to fully cut the woman down from her place on the church. Ever the investigator, Barb launched into questions. 

“What’s your name? Why were you chained onto a church? Why is there a dead man next to you? Who was that dead man? Is that message pertaining to you?” Barb bit back her last question— _Why are you so pretty?_ Now was not the time to pine after a random woman. The lady cleared her throat. 

“I hope I caught all of that. My name is Tatiana, the man next to me was named Dimitri. The town you are in, Slawford, is more or less stuck in the past. It’s a historic district, and the locals treat it as such. An amish village of sorts. Well, not all amish. They have everything you’d have in, say, the 1950’s. Most of the locals are sweet, though.”

Tatiana paused her explanation to look at Barb, who’s face was a mix of confusion, shock, and exasperation. 

“So does that mean no service?”

“No, we have service, we have Wi-Fi. We just don’t use smartphones, and barely use television.” 

Barb nodded. “You still haven’t explained why you and Dimitri were strung up, and why someone’s dead.”

“That is a fair statement. See, the townsfolk they- they get very paranoid. They see danger and discord in locations treated as places of peace and prosperity. The same goes with people. Me and Dimitri, we were just on the wrong side of that gun.” 

“And so they were planning on _killing you_ for it? What did they think you were doing.”

“They said we were vampires. They think there’s a population of vampires living in the shadows in this town, and they’re determined to sniff every last one out.” 

A glance back to Tatiana’s inhuman-looking teeth made Barb believe the townsfolk for a flicker of a second. 

“Were they right?”

Tatiana chuckled darkly, “Not at all.” 

The sun set on Slawford.


	2. It's a Miracle I'm Standing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barb spends the night in Slawford, and learns nothing about Tatiana.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha this is definitely a filler chapter but i'm posting it anyway just so I don't lose momentum on this project.

“You can stay at my place for the night. It is the least I could do, you just saved my life.” Tatiana says as she and Barb make the the trek to the next bus stop.

“Oh my god! Thank you, Tatiana!” She pauses. “I don’t know if I feel safe enough in this town, though. Does the bus stop go back to the airport or to San Antonio?”

“Not until tomorrow. I am sorry, Barb. I could drop you off at the inn if you truly don't feel safe.”

Well, guess Barb didn’t have a choice anyway. Just her luck. Still, she was smart enough to not stay at a stranger’s house, especially not one that was almost brutally murdered.

“Yeah, could you do that?”

The inn was quaint, to say the least. It was run by an older woman named Camille, who barely spoke to Barb when she checked in. Her room was nice enough, and the mattress was soft. It would be fine to stay here for the night. She checked her phone- it was 11:00 pm. Christ, Curt must be worried out of his mind. Barb should probably call him before she crashed into bed.

“Curt?”

“Barb! Oh my god, where are you? Weren’t you supposed to get here tonight? My mother has been pacing the walls, wondering if you were ok. Where are you?”

It was good to know _someone_ cared about her. “I missed my flight and then the snow made it so the next time I could fly was tomorrow,” She starts undressing, trying to find something comfortable in the small bag she had been carrying. “Or today, for you guys. Speaking of, shouldn’t you be sleeping?”

Barb could practically hear the eye roll through the phone.

“Gee, thanks, mom. When are you getting in tomorrow, then?”

Aha! Flannel pants, that should be warm enough. “Well, that’s the weird thing. I’m in some historic district near the airport, and it’s honestly really fucking weird. I’m pretty sure the townsfolk murdered someone, a-“ Curt cut her off.

“Fucking _what_?”

“I know. I’ll explain it when I get to New Jersey. Hey, can you tell Cynthia I’m gonna need a little more time for my presentati-“ a scream not far from her window on the second floor stopped her mid-sentence. “Curt, I’m gonna have to call you back.”

Before he could protest, he is hung up.

Barb reached for her shoes, not having time to change back out of her pajama pants. She rushed down and out of the inn, and straight into the woods, where she heard the scream. Careful not to trip on any rouge roots, a scientist who hadn’t done voluntary running since her freshman year of college, ran like hell to find and help the person making that awful noise. The screaming got more hysterical, but it was also becoming louder, which meant Barb was close. Then, the wailing stopped. Hoping that was a positive sign and not a negative one, Barb decided the search was a lost cause and turned to head back to the inn. Unfortunately, she seemed to have stopped smack in the middle of the woods, and it was pitch black outside. The misery of the situation started to get to her, and tears welled up in her eyes. Might as well have a good cry, this day was shitty enough.

A twig snapped behind her.

Barb’s hair whipped so fast that it was audible. _Great, she was going to get murdered._ Her heartbeat sped up, and her shaky voice broke the silence.

“Who-who’s there! Stay back, I have a gun and a boss who will avenge me!” The first one was a lie, but she hoped her scare tactic would work.

“Barb?” A familiar Russian accent responded.

“Tatiana? What are you doing out here.”

“I get restless at night. Walks are always nice.”

Barb probably looked incredulous. “Aren’t there better places to walk than the woods?”

She shook her head. “Not for me.”

Tatiana nodded at her, a sign she wanted for Barb to follow her. Barb, despite every bone in her body telling her this was a bad idea, did.

They reached civilization again much faster than if Barb had tried to walk by herself.

“How did you navigate that forest so easily? Were you raised here?” The inflection in Tatiana’s sigh made Barb worry she misstepped.

“No, I am from Yekaterinburg, in Russia. It is quite beautiful spot, if you ever go there. I miss it, to be honest.”

“Well then, what made you leave?” The sigh this time made Barb know that this wasn’t a topic that they should be exploring. Barb took the hint, and opened the entrance to the inn. She waved a quick goodbye to Tatiana, who mumbled something like _see you tomorrow_ and walked off. Guess she could finally sleep.

By the next morning, she had forgotten about the scream. The walk was still fresh in her mind, but the reason she was out in the woods in the first place? It was hazy, to say the least. Camille served her some good coffee (not the best she’s ever had, but it was better than she expected.) and she packed her bags, ready to leave this god awful town and all the beautiful girls in it. Barb had to ask Camille where the nearest bus stop was, the one that would take her back to the airport. Camille just looked at her funny. “The bus doesn’t come on Saturdays. We like to save energy and walk.” That was the last straw for Barb, who was not having a great weekend so far.

“Okay.” She drew the word out, trying to figure out how to work with this wrench thrown in her plans. “Does anyone here have a car?” Camille nodded.

“I think so. Miss Slozhno borrows an automobile on the weekends, but I’d stay away from that girl. She’s trouble, I tell you. Marvin’s convinced she’s a murderer.”

_Perfect! Another murderer! What in the world is with this town!_

“Yeah, where does this Miss… whatever you said. Where does she live?”

Camille grabbed a napkin and scribbled the address of the murderer who was going to drive Barb to safety. Oh, the irony. She waved goodbye to the innkeeper and asked a few disoriented townsfolk before she arrived at the ominous cabin duplex, its architecture letting it hang off the hill it was perched on. She knocked on the door. An evil looking woman with a bloody knife on her did not open the door. Instead, Barb was greeted with the sight of a tall man who looked like he was on his fifth cup of coffee. It took him a few minutes to scan the area before his eyes landed on her.

“Hm. I don’t think I ordered something this morning, dear. Is there any reason you want to talk to me?” He had a British accent. _That_ Barb did not expect. Brits and Russians in Texas. Huh.

“Uh, I’m looking for a Miss Sl..slho. lho…”

“Slozhno?” Barb nodded.

“She’s my neighbor, sorry.” He points to the left of him, where a door stands a little ways down. “You’ll find her behind that door. Careful, she doesn’t take easily to strangers.” With that, he shut the door and left Barb with a lot of confusion, and some fear. _Well, here goes nothing._ She knocked on the door of the apparent murderer, holding her breath. The door opens.

“Tatiana?”

“Barb?”

Ah. So Tatiana, the girl who Barb met chained to a church wall, _next to a dead man_ , may be evil! What a surprising twist! The scientist’s eyes widened.

“Haha! Hi! Uh, so, uh,” she panicked. “I need to get to the airport. I have a meeting I need to get too, it’s important!” Tatiana frowned but nodded.

“Let's go, then. I will take Owen’s extra car, mine has a mess in the backseat.”

“Oh! I don’t mind a little mess! You should see some of the lockers at my agency.”

“I do not think this is the kind of mess you are used to, Barb.” The was Tatiana says her name is odd, it sends shivers down her spine. 

“Well, if you insist.” Barb restrained herself from asking who Owen was, but that became harder when she saw his car. There were two, one was a _very_ nice convertible in a yellow color that reminded her of those vintage 1960’s posters on her mother’s walls. The other was a van that looked more suitable for a child molester than a small town guy, the only difference being that this van was decked out in every piece of technology imaginable. It seemed like he looked at those getaway vans in heist movies and modeled it after that. Owen had some odd interests. Tatiana grinned, her giant teeth showing again. 

“We are taking the convertible. Do not worry, Owen will only get a little mad. At me, mostly.”

The convertible was fucking _awesome._ Tatiana liked The Beatles, so she grabbed a Sgt. Pepper’s CD she had and shoved it in. Barb didn’t know all the words to most of the songs, but she sung along to the classics. Tatiana didn’t sing, but she was smiling the whole time. She was wearing a fashionable straw hat, a jacket, and sunglasses. Barb had no idea how she wasn’t sweating. The ride came to an end far too soon, and the airport loomed in front of her. _How had that been only yesterday?_ It felt like ages ago. She was helped with her bags by Tatiana, then she waved goodbye. “Thanks for all the help, Tatiana.” Tatiana waved back.

The plane ride to Newark was long, but Barb read through most of it. She couldn’t understand how people could sleep during flights, and she wasn’t going to start now. When getting off the plane, Barb was filled with that unexplainable feeling of presence one gets when they enter an airport. She shook it off, pulling out her phone to take it off of airplane mode. She dialed the number she knew she’d have to, and waited in anticipation for the line to pick up. 

“Larvernor, where in all the nine circles of fiery fucking hell have you been?”

“Sorry, Cynthia.”

Back to the grind, she guessed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We (sorta) met Owen but not really, plus Barb's back to work! Will we get Curt content next chapter? Maybe.

**Author's Note:**

> I look forward to writing more of this! Comments are like and encouraged!


End file.
